Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
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*Watching tv*
Him: wtf are you eating?
Me: Cotton candy. *stuffing more in my mouth* The attic is full of it but I think it’s stale.
I’m going to need a moment here.
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.
SHARK ATTACKS AT RECORD HIGH
Australia: Lets put nets out to keep bathers safe
USA: Everybody get a shark to protect you from other sharks
Me: OMG did I tell you about my mom’s Facebook post?
Cop: Not only do you have the right to remain silent, I’m going to have to insist on it
Cashier: Want carry-out help?
Me: Please
*Richard Gere appears in Navy uniform & sweeps me into his arms-I’ve forgotten my groceries
Day 4: I’ve finally completed all my New Year’s resolutions from ’97.
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you accidentally turn into a bat in front of their mom.
Made a dermatology appt for a really weird mole I’d never seen. It was a burned crumb of pizza crust that fell down my shirt. So anyway, I ate it and called my eye doctor.
I was going to watch the news this morning but I decided I wanted to have a good day.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
*catwoman struggles into suit*
*catwoman realises she needs to pee*
*crie*
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
Interviewer: “Are you good at making snap decisions?”
*20 minutes later*
Me: “No.”
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
My kids will be late to school even if we lived inside the school
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
UPS delivery tracking is like “your shipment is on a truck which is currently parked next to your house. Estimated delivery is 9 days from now.”
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
We get ground beef from cows and sky beef from birds
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
How are birds so simultaneously beautiful and annoying as heck?!
I aspire to be birds
Today’s fortune cookie reads: ‘you are the only human in this restaurant don’t look up’
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.