I always wanted to be an anesthesiologist but I gave up that dream because I couldn’t figure out how to spell it.
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Me: *destroys spider web
Spider: wow
Me: *puts up fake spider web
Spider: WOW
Millennial: OMG, you don’t even know how to make a gif? That’s so tragic to me right now. Can you at least make a meme?
Me: I own a house.
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
*dies and gets to hell*
I really thought I’d lived a good life.
*Satan shows me a video of that time I left a shopping cart in the middle of the parking lot at Target when the cart return was 10 feet away*
Oh yeah. Fair enough.
Most fashion shows these days…
“Welcome to the jungle”
Thanks.
“We’ve got fun and games”
Cool.
“You’re in the jungle”
We’ve established this
“You’re gonna die!”
Wait what?
Always end a conversation with “gotta run” so people think you’re into fitness
I made some fish tacos today…
But they just ignored them and swam away…
coworker: that’s a great ugly Christmas sweater
me *in my regular sweater*: thanks
it’s okay if the earth is flat i’m round enough for both of us
Most annoying times to be attacked by bees
3. Seconds after selling your beekeeper’s suit
2. A day before you’re due to set a record for the longest anyone’s gone without being stung by a bee
1. During a battle to the death with your arch-nemesis who’s wearing a beekeeper’s suit
My favorite new hobby is walking by my four year old and unnecessarily explaining to her whatever the item she’s holding is. “That’s a plate. You use it to hold food when you’re eating.” Her:”I KNOW WHAT A PLATE IS! YOU DON’T HAVE TO TELL ME THAT!”
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Everybody wants to save the Earth; nobody wants to help Mom do the dishes……
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Did it hurt? When even autocorrect couldn’t figure out that word you were reaching for
everybody’s a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes
You should be able to twist the bottom of the pringles can to bring the chips to the top like a chapstick.
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
According to Facebook, 78% of girls I went to high school with now own their own photography business.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
I should probably do some housework before they try to film the next Febreeze commercial here.
“How did the Nukey War start, Oldfather?”
“Well …” [I stoke the fire] “It was Hashtag International Cat Day…”
what day is it?
instead of texting “on my way” im a just send this
Me: What do you want for dinner?
Child: McDonald’s.
Me: I’m not buying McDonald’s. What do you want me to make?
Child: A Big Mac.