There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
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*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
That fire is totally ignoring the no-smoking sign
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
*First Date*
Me: *Flirting* You have to promise not to fall in love with me.
Him: There’s cheese in your hair. And we haven’t eaten yet.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Friends with benefits? What, like you can provide dental insurance?
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
As the wounded oyster mends it shell with pearl, so shall I mend my wounded ego with my signature homemade potato salad
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
horse prosecutor: did you do it?
horse defendant: neigh
horse prosecutor: here, have some water and think again
horse defense attorney: objection! leading the witness!
Autocorrect changed “baby rattle” to “baby battle” and now I’m googling where to buy tiny weapons.
“u should stop drinking” u should stop talking
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
It’s amazing what happens when you take a little time to get to know someone.
They become even more annoying.
Imagine having a baby that didn’t photograph well for Instagram. What a waste.
Enjoy your 30s cause in your 40s your check knees light comes on
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
app: do u want me to notify u
me: of what
app: of me
me: i know about u
app: this is to remind u
me: don’t need that
app: ok let’s discuss again later
The First Rule of Menopause Club:
We don’t talk PERIOD.
[intensive care]
NURSE: I’ll never leave your side, DO YOU HEAR ME?!
ME [patient]: wow, I didn’t realize how intense the care was here.
I like to make lists. I also like to leave them laying on the kitchen counter and then guess what’s on the list while at the store. Fun game
*Meanwhile at a restaurant*
Waiter: Welcome sir, would you like a table?
Me: So kind of you, I wouldn’t mind.
*Picks table and walks out*
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
Uh, guys… I just heard from my doctor, and it’s bad news. If you’ve retweeted me recently, you should really go get yourself checked out.
Grandma said she thinks her new neighbors have got the gay.
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
The best thing about owning a Smart Car is if you get too drunk at the bar you can just carry it home.