Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
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If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
I was actually doing so well until your email found me.
While doing her history homework, my daughter asked me what I knew about Galileo.
I said, he’s just a poor boy from a poor family.
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*
Morpheus: You’re The One Neo
Neo: You’re sure?
M: I’ve known for some time
N: *leans in for the kiss*
M: WHOA, that’s not what I meant bro..
I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
One time in 1997 I forgot to close my air quotes so everything I’ve said since then has been sarcastic
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
I hate it when I’m trying to discreetly pick a wedgie in public and inadvertently end up doing every dance routine from Spice World.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
In your 20s you hope you don’t fall for the wrong person, in your 40s you hope you don’t fall in the driveway when nobody’s home.
An app that tells you if there’s anyone at the grocery store you’ll have to make small talk with.
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
Biologist screws up:
Mutant killer virusPhysicist screws up:
Deadly black holeGeologist screws up:
Rock on table is now rock on floor
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard
Cat: Human, congratulations, I’ve chosen your face to sleep upon tonight. If at some point you cannot breathe, do not wake me.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
If I was in the military, I would be a sniper. That way I can lie down a lot.
Me: Wine isn’t on the food pyramid.
My wife: It’s the moat around it.
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Me: (drawing sword) where do you want to eat
Wife: (brandishing battle axe) idk where do you want to eat[an eagle shrieks in the distance]
“I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy ” well I would. Step aside
Interviewer: So, what makes you think you’re a good candidate for this Automotive Shop?
Me: I tire easily.
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
Me: This milk tastes funny
Lactating clown: Thank you
Juicing changed my life. I went from being overweight, to being overweight and owning a juicer.
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating