I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
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In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
If your phone fell in a toilet, you would…
1995: …leave it, toilets are gross
Today: [wrist-deep in urine] BRING ME A BOWL OF RICE NOW
I’ve never met a pizza I didn’t want to get personal with.
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea in the history of mankind.
6-year-old: You lose.
Me: I didn’t know we were playing anything.
6: That was your first mistake.
Me: We need a more colourful couch
My kid *carrying paint colours*: mumma what colour would you like our couch to be?
[blind date]
ME [chewing a garlic clove like a piece of bubblegum]: wanna borrow my mask
HR: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: As your boss, so it would behoove you not to annoy me with this line of questioning.
Barry Cryer’s “Half an orange” bit always stuck with me. I just appreciate the absurdity and “non-joke” of it.
We can put a man on the moon but we can’t reference any other achievements?
me: that girl and i used to have a little fling.
friend: what happened?
me: it got stuck in a tree.
*sees a meteor* I wonder where that’s landing. Maybe if I run fast enough I can get crushed by it.
My favorite things about Texas are definitely our toast and our chainsaw massacres.
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
Movie theater: Please silence your phones.
Me, who hasn’t taken my phone off silent since 2012: *double-checks*
Wife snake: Did you eat the last rat?
Husband snake (shape of rat in stomach): What rat?
*pulls motorist over*
COP: Are you high?
MAN: If I were high would you look like a breathing tree?
*one leaf silently falls from cop*
There’s only one good girl here!
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
I’m giving up for Lent.
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Him: do you have a pen?
Me: yes. (walks away)
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
Some church folks decided to knock on my door today while hosting my book club for a bunch of margarita drinking witches. Oops, wrong house 😆
Me: my grandfather was George Washington
Date: don’t you mean your great great great great great great grandfather
Me: i mean he was okay
sorry about the last 24 hours California, i brought back a mysterious relic from overseas but i’ve destroyed it now