Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, a monkey, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.
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Pro tip: Make sure your email to the HR lady doesn’t say she seems too busty to handle your issues
One night stand because my bedroom is narrow.
INTERVIEWER: under Strengths you’ve written ‘dishonesty’…?
ME: No I haven’t
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
Husband: *driving*
Me: *breathing judgmentally*
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Teach your kids how to make friends with people with beach houses. Otherwise you have to buy your own and turns out it’s pretty expensive
“Do you ever get the feeling Mitch is an undercover cop?”
[MITCH enters]
MITCH: Hey guys! *speaking into shirt collar* I brought the drugs
me: any idea how my house burned down?
detective: fireworks
me: *sadly* yeah I guess it does
me trying to get a bartender’s attention
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
COP: any drugs in the car
ME: no
COP: ok
ME: APRIL FOOL’S
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
My diet starts in January
of 2027
“You use your birthdate as your password?!?! Was ‘1234’ taken?” – me, as a spy.
Happy Star Wars day!
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
HER: I just put the baby down for his nap
ME: maybe he’ll actually sleep this time so we can have sex
BABY:
them: our youngest is 73 months.
me: what’s that in human people years
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
It’s that time of year again where I go to random restaurants to tell random women “So this is why you cancelled our date” while they’re with their significant other.
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
😎 🍻
Ouiji boards are a little less intimidating knowing they’re from Hasbro.
push came to shove, and that’s when he realized that he was in a mosh pit