put ur hair in a man-bun. now put ur beard in a man-bun too. congratulations ur now a hamburger. be free, hamburger man.
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You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
Someone hugged me at the office Christmas party and now they know my safe word.
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
blocked.
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
E.T. would be a much shorter and different movie today when Elliott tells everyone it‘s his emotional support alien and they immediately back off.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
[waits until purge night to illegally download music]
Black and white films:
MAN: You there, young man!
A FORTY YEAR OLD MAN: Yes?
We were begging to be conned. #MrRobot
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Her: If you look up immature in the dictionary you’ll see a picture of yourself!
Me: Oh I’m immature? I’m not the one with pictures in my dictionary Karen!
I have two kinds of followers
I tend not to use punctuation so much because I figure we’re all adults here and I trust you to know when to breathe
its always terifying when im alone in my apartment and i hear a small child’s voice say “hello” becuase i dread making smalltalk
Officers asking me why I’m speeding like they don’t know people fast during Lent.
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
[at the club]
Me: I got the moves
Her: it’s “runs”
I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
I was once a bookseller. A woman came in asking for Tea at the Savoy by Oscar Wilde. I couldn’t find it listed. She insisted.
I kept not finding it. She got angrier.
I asked again, “Are you sure it’s by Wilde?”
Irate, she said, “YES. He was on the Today Show this morning.”
😑
I went for a long walk yesterday and my pants are still tight today. This is not how exercise is supposed to work.
me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
According to all these “note to self” sticky notes I am a very forgetful person also I have no idea what these notes mean
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.