Her skin was like porcelain. Toiletface, they called her.
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no i don’t want to “continue building new friendships in my community” i want to “force all my old friends to move to wherever i happen to be, ideally on adjoining properties” why is that a problem????
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
“you are what you eat”
i don’t remember eating a handsome genius but ok
Mission Control: prepare to enter the vacuum of space
Dog Astronaut: wait the what now
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
to the scum photoshopping bandanas on my wedding photos, STOP. my wife has a bad memory & is in tears, she thinks she married a bandana guy
Just told my husband we needed to end this year with a bang and now I’m regretting my choice of words.
Any leftover cabbage can and will be shredded and mixed with mayo
– Cole’s Law
My toxic trait is putting my black phone down on a black surface for “just a second”
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
Me: You’re NEVER supportive of my goals and accomplishments.
Police: Because you keep killing people
“It’s not about the money.”
-people with money
They dug up a skeleton on my street. Crazy to think that somewhere out there someone is walking around without a skeleton
Every fancy restaurant now is just named after two ingredients you’d never eat together. It’s always like “Basil and Butterscotch” or “Honey and Clam.”
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
ten writing rules
1. find exactly the right place to sit
2. better get coffee also
3. turn off the internet we’re WRITING
4. but i have a question only the internet can answer
5. more coffee!
6. maybe i got an important email
7. how is the coffee shop closing
8. oh no
[Reading to 6 about sea turtles this AM before school]
Me: “A nest of sea turtle eggs that is in colder temperatures will hatch all male. A nest in warmer temperatures will hatch all females.” Hmm, cool. Didn’t know that.
6: *thinking* Sooo…Mommy was hot when she had me?
Me:
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
My girlfriend said she wants a fairy-tale life. So I’ve trapped her in her gran’s bedroom with a wolf.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.
How to properly use a paper clip:
1. Throw in garbage
2. Use a stapler
her: i saw a shark walking along the beach
me: *flicks cigarette* sharks don’t even have feet, jen
My husband drives me to drink.
Unless a friend volunteers.
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
there is no such thing as a domesticated cat. what we have done to dogs is impressive and obvious. what we have done to cats, so far as i can tell, is nothing
H: What’s for breakfast?
M: I’m having potatoes and orange juice. *sips juice*
H: Great, when are you making potatoes?
M: They’re in my orange juice.
I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.