If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
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Me starting a diet: I’m gonna be so skinny.
Me on a diet: being fat is fine.
[the first person to hear thunder] Well, that can’t be good.
Calling Sony comments”racially insensitive remarks” instead of “racist”? U can put a cherry on a pile of sh*t but it don’t make it a sundae.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
I’m running out of lies to tell in confessional but it’s the only place I can sit in silence away from my kids.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
no cat here
incredible
[businessman shakes my hand]
Me: ahh yes, a handshake, from the handshake meme
Just killed an ant and I feel like for the sake of gender equality I need to kill an uncle now.
[fire raging in my bedroom]
smoke alarm:
[i cook a piece of toast for 17 seconds]
smoke alarm: OMFG WE R ALL GONNA DIE
*rocks out at concert*
*holds up lighter*
*millennials scream*
*mass chaos, crying*
*I’m tackled*
*one old guy high-fives me as I go down*
box: meow
schrodinger: ignore that
[dog walking a human]
*walks by a coffeeshop with its door open*
HUMAN: *tries to sprint in* COFFEE
DOG: woah boy *pulls leash* easy there
First kid: All organic.
Second kid: Cupcakes aren’t for breakfast, now eat your coco puffs.
Third kid: Popcorn counts as a vegetable.
I asked my husband to put honey on the shopping list and now it’s all sticky
I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
You’re not going to believe this, but I was doing really well, and then your email found me.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
My Grandpa: killed 17 Nazis and singlehandedly saved his entire battalion in WWII
Me: Sits around all day making up stories about my Grandpa
I snuggle with my sweetie boo and seductively ask, “Would you still think I’m cuddly without skin?”
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.