Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
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The worst part about getting Covid was losing my ability to smell what The Rock was cooking. 😕
My wife just texted that there’s “garlic dread in the freezer”. I’m afraid to look.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
Husband: Well, for starters, she introduces me as her current husband.
Marriage counselor: …
Me: …
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
Why is it pronounced ar-kan-saw and not ar-you-sure-you-wanna-go-here
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
When I see a job ad that doesn’t have salary listed I send them a resume with my whole work history redacted
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
To the organizations that send me news alerts: However interested you think I am in the private life of Taylor Swift, I promise you it’s less than that.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
The 4 Secrets to Succeeding in Business:
– Don’t get mauled to death by a lion
– Don’t get mauled to death by a shark
– Don’t get mauled to death by a bear
– Don’t get mauled to death by a wolf(You can’t succeed in business if you’ve been mauled to death by an animal)
MOM [introducing us by our musically themed names]: this is our daughter Lyric, this is our other daughter Melody and this is our son *points at me* Sad Trombone
When you have pets you learn mad skills, like how to make the bed with them still on it.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
My Google search history is me checking how to spell hors d’oeuvres 3,729 times.
Today is the three year anniversary of the time I dropped a hot dog and it got stepped on before I could retrieve it. Don’t talk to me about your suffering
I’ve been listening to Pink Floyd for the past 2 hours. I’m about to just go ahead and skip to track 2.
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
David Copperfield: Ok I want everyone in the audience to think of a color. Ready? Ok, is your color grey?
Audience full of Dogs: OMG!
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
I want to be a large, Southern black woman who fans herself in church when I grow up.
Bent a spoon with my mind…
Actually I dropped it into the garbage disposal.
But it was my mind that let that happen.
Sometimes I answer your rhetorical questions because I think you are that stupid.
no one will tell you this but the secret to looking hot in photos is looking hot in real life
Sometimes the best questions do not have immediate answers
WIFE: I wish you would drop this stupid genie act
HUSBAND: honey I already told you, you’re out of wishes
Me:*spends 4hrs comparing gift prices on several sites to save $4*
Also Me: *spends $33 on pizza because I shopped too long to cook $6 chicken*
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.