I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
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they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
This is the hardest I’ve laughed all morning:
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
If Alexa is really “watching” everything I do, then why doesn’t she help a sister out and block her credit card after 10pm?!?!
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
Superman: Only one cookie left.
Batman: Rock, paper, scissors for it?
Superman: 1, 2, 3, GO!
Batman: *pulls out Kryptonite and eats cookie*
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
Take a stand against childhood obesity by chasing little fat kids down the street.
if you are a fly, please ignore this tweet
TOUCH NOT MY PONDERING CRYSTAL
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
Today’s Times
maybe there is no I in team but I see there is a goat in go team, so that’s fun
They were cold and calculating, like an Alaskan mathematician.
you miss 100% of the gossip from the phone calls you don’t answer
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
[dating profile]
Body sculpted by Michelangelo.
The turtle. Not the David dude.
Serious enquiries only.
ᴮʳᶦⁿᵍ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵒʷⁿ ᵖᶦᶻᶻᵃ.
FRIEND: are you going to watch star wars tonight?
ME: uhh…yeah…of course
[later]
ME: [looking up from telescope pointed at night sky] odd…they seem to all be getting along just fine
When I’m making the bed, my dogs ride the covers like little surfers without surfboards.
If they had surfboards, that would just be ridiculous.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
At my funeral the priest will throw my corpse into the crowd and whoever catches it will be the next to die
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?