WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
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Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
GRANDPARENTS: This used to be orange groves.
US: That used to be a Blockbuster.
KIDS IN THE FUTURE: All that used to not be underwater and also somehow on fire.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
It puts the lotion in the basket. Then it calls the wife to make sure it’s the right brand so it doesn’t get the hose again.
Person: *yelling at me*
Me: *calmly* Good idea. Saying the same words really loud helps me understand them better
Person: *abruptly shutting up*
I began writing full time 20 years ago. I’ve sold lots – my tv, my car, my jewellery…
Who the hell called them deadbeat dads instead of negli-gents?
me: how much for the funny smelling spray?
employee: perfume?
me: no, the whole bottle
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
If Adrian Peterson is getting indicted for spanking his kid with a stick my mom should get the electric chair.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[at the park with my husband and children]
Stranger: You have a beautiful family
Me: *thinking of my Sims* Yes, thank you, I’m very proud
There’s a tree outside my window that sounds like a ventriloquist doll scraping it’s tiny fingers across the wall when it’s windy at night. Yeah, it’s definitely the tree. Definitely the tree
Cop: License and registration
Me: Sure. *opens glove compartment; twenty eight packs of expired ketchup, three pairs of sunglasses and the Crown Jewels of Ireland fall out* Sorry. Just a sec
Apparently my aunt is doing some damage control after a crucial signage mistake
People always throwing cursed objects into the sea hello, no that is how you get haunted sharks
[orchestra]
VIOLIN 1: *pssst* Can I ask you a dumb question?
VIOLIN 2: Um, okay.
V1: What’s up w/the guy in front waving his arms around?
When I said I wanted to take it slow, I meant your life.
Kids movies really made me believe that the greatest threats on earth were dogcatchers and quicksand
[looking at wife as firefighters cut me out of baby swing at playground]
It doesn’t say its specifically for babies, Karen
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
One business idea I have is tell people you’re giving them plastic surgery but instead of giving them plastic surgery just let them sleep for 9 hours and then call it “subtle”
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Me: *quits life and moves into a pillow fort*
Them: You need to live in the present.
Me: *covers fort in wrapping paper*
I let my hair dry naturally after swimming in the ocean and now I’m the star of a Whitesnake video
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Judge: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
Defendant: I’m disappointed to see you back in my courtroom.
J: Stop that.
D: Stop that.– repeat offenders
Husband and I just heard a noise. Neither of us feels like investigating so we just said See ya on the other side.
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck