Me: “Can you please help me with my Tinder profile? I’m not having much luck”
My wife:
You Might Also Like
S O O N
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
I think my leftovers are old enough to throw themselves away.
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
isnt birdbox bandersnatch the guy who plays dr. strange
I don’t care which way the toilet paper faces. I was raised with real problems.
Me: when I grow up, I want to be an astronaut
Dad: to find all the undiscovered wonders of the universe?
Me (thinking about the many breeds of space dog I haven’t pet): yes, exactly
Me: Stop over-analysing; not everything has to mean something!
Them: Are you gonna help us compile this dictionary or not?
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
It’s only a matter of time before the casino realizes that baby I lost at the roulette table wasn’t mine
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
People say that Twitter is pointless but it’s teaching my children to be self sufficient.
If money is the root of all evil than my financial situation is proof that I’m the nicest person alive
Deodorant? I’ve never needed to buy any. People just give it me. Complete strangers sometimes
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
family members leaving you things in their will is literally them saying “yeah I’ll give you this… over my dead body”
With one icy glare from Wilma, Fred knew. It was not going to be a yabba dabba doo time. It was, in fact, a yabba dabba don’t time.
[god creating worms]
WORM: Alright I’m a snake!
GOD: Well, no you—
WORM: I’m a snake hissss. Am I venomous?
GOD: *patting worm’s head* Sure buddy
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Ain’t no way
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
We’ve got to stop looking at legumes and thinking “I could milk that”
Breaking news:
8, to his teacher: …and there was this old man who used to park his van by the woods at the lake so one day Mom let me go in it because he said if I went inside, he’d show me his empanadas…
Me: IT WAS A FOOD TRUCK
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Moving to a new house-
Everyone: “congrats! That’s so exciting! Yay! Great news!”
My dad: “how’s the water pressure?”