Make sure your first place together is on the ground floor, so when she throws your stuff out the window, it won’t break.
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Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
i prefer to think of myself as less “bad at running” and more “really good at running 13 minute miles
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
We go together like that part in the song from Grease where nobody gets the words right
You never know what you’ll get with kids. For example I just got 18 videos of the inside of my freezer.
I never know how much to tip a cow.
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
“Well, well, well, your true color finally comes out,” I say to my bruise.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
There is no casual way to ask someone to move in with you. It’s a very big step in any relationship. It takes careful planning & excellent timing to figure out how to approach that conversation. That said, it’s not impossible to lure a raccoon into your home. In this essay,
If you don’t like giving advice just look sage & say one completely unrelated thing you know to be true & let the other person assume it’s a metaphor.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
My favorite part of eating alone at this trendy restaurant was when the waitress asked if I had cats because I had cat hair, “all over.”
I don’t like calling zombies “the undead”. I think they’d prefer to be known as the nearly departed.
Son: Mom, I’m having a problem at school.
Me: Oh no, buddy, what’s wrong? Do you need me to show you the Karate Kid again?Parenting is easy.
I can drop it like it’s hot just don’t ask me to get up
her: I’ve packed my bags. I’m leaving you
him: ok but you’re gonna need more than just bags
[walking out of bathroom]
me: oh boy, do NOT go in there
*guy walks in anyway*
*comes out screaming*
me: ya it’s like super haunted
“You’ll never get the butt you want by sitting on the one you have.”
-Maya Angelou
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
if u told me 20yrs ago that we’d have a black prez w/ the middle name Hussein, I’d have kept playing w/ my ninja turtles cuz I was 9 in 1993
Googling symptoms only tells you which diseases have the best SEO
Reporter: Tell me about him
Neighbor: He was so nice, sweet, friendly, funny
R: Do you think he killed those people?
N: Oh, yeah absolutely.
In the Flirtatious Period, the dinosaurs did a hell of a lot of winkin’…
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Husband: I’m taking new herbal supplements which mean I can’t eat chocolate
Me: I’m sorry I don’t understand
H: I can’t eat chocolate
Me: nope you’re making no sense *checks him for fever*
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.