You owe a corporation money: one member of your family will be drone strike’d daily until the debt is repaid
Corporation owes you money: if you can answer the mysterious hermit’s three riddles, the first of 80 payments in Indonesian rupiah will be made within 12-16 weeks
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Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
Whoever speaks at my funeral will probably just look over at my casket and say “well, she was always kind of like this.”
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
What do you get if you cross a bear and a wolf? You get eaten is what you get. Stop upsetting scary animals.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
my nudist neighbours are moving away and selling everything and I’m thinking the washer and dryer will be worth a look
Remember to kick Friday right in the panty hamster.
I didn’t make this, but it’s perfect
[3 days into dieting]
*sees ad for burger & fries*
*drowns in his own saliva*
Being married means never admitting you were the last one to see the item that is now lost.
this spot reserved for good ol boys that know how to smoke a brisket
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
parents, bringing their problem child to summer camp
[god creating sharks]
angel: what is this?
god: *wearing ‘live every week like it’s shark week’ shirt* I just want this to make sense
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
The ants won’t go in the poison traps so I made some modifications to lure them in
Meeting a blind date at Starbucks. She said shell be wearing Uggs, a NorthFace Jacket, and yoga pants. I got her narrowed down to 47 girls.
I have yet to interview a ham that didn’t end in sandwiches.
When a kid is mean to my kid…
(what I say): Let’s rise above their anger and show kindness
(what I want to say): MY WRATH WILL SWEEP THEIR FAMILY TREE WITH THE VENGEANCE OF 1,000 SUNS
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Me: you want french toast for breakfast?
Toddler: yes.
Me: manners?
Toddler: no thank you.
“Please stop that.” -person who witnessed first guy beatboxing
I could NOT have put it better myself.
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
#OscarsWeNeed Achievement in Misleading Trailers
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
Wife: I am angry with you.
Husband: Again or Still ?
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.