DATING TIP: Pick up the check. Pick up the table. Pick up the chairs and the waitress and the bartender. Everyone loves upper body strength.
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instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latt茅?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
I hate it when I want wine and the wine home delivery man hasn’t been invented yet.
Attractive women post selfies and refer to themselves as ugly. As a group, if we begin agreeing with them we could stop that shit quick.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
fred flintstone was the first ever man to become a vitamin
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
When I die, I want to be buried with a few random animal bones so archeologists 1,000 yrs from now will wonder what the hell I was
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
What can I buy my wife for Valentine鈥檚 Day that finally proves to her once and for all that I have absolutely no idea what she likes or who she is?
the most challenging thing I’ve done all week is explain to a 4 year old where he was in photos taken 7 years ago
If you鈥檙e not writing, that鈥檚 fine, but just know that someone else is. So, if you really want to be successful, figure out who it is and get them to stop.
*meets girl for coffee*
*sets down blueprints for bank*
“What’s this?”
Your dating profile said you were looking for a partner in crime
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
[date]
me: what’s your type?
her: I like a man who doesn’t get jealous
me: WHO IS HE
If the earth were flat, cats would have pushed everything over the edge already
To the max.. 馃槀
Sound on
him: you’re obsessed with the Flintstones
me *totally broke, struggling to use a chipmunk to open a can* haha yes
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
I thought the best thing about adulthood would be the ability to buy as much Dr Pepper gum as I wanted.
It鈥檚 been discontinued and packs now sell for $50 on eBay.
You win again, life.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
JESUS: [picks up bread] this is my body
JESUS: [picks up wine] this is my blood
JESUS: [accidentally picks up his cat] this is my…cat
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
SECURITY GUARD: [speaking into the cuff of his shirt] The president is on his way to the car
LITTLE MOUSE THAT LIVES IN HIS SLEEVE: Ok cool
If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
“Stay out of the heat & stay hydrated.”
Thank you news-anchor. It’s my first summer.
Got tired of my kids asking to go to the beach every single day so this week for family movie night, I’ve decided the kids are finally old enough to watch Jaws
Raccoons are like hobos, they live outside plus they don’t like being shaved while they’re eating.