When they were saying “we will find a good home for him” I thought they were talking about the dog,I didn’t know they were talking about me!
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Hell hath no fury like a toddler that sets down their popsicle and then comes back 20 minutes later to get it.
Why is the word prolific only used to describe serial killers. You never hear anyone say “He was the most prolific donut maker you’ve ever seen.”
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
The downside of having moles on my body is that my wife loves playing Whack-a-Mole.
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
I just accidentally swallowed a whole bunch of Scrabble tiles. My next shit could spell disaster.
this november isn’t novembering the way previous novembers, novembered.
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
8: you can’t make me go to bed. I know karate now.
Me: you don’t say…
Narrator: Daddy-Fu always beats Karate, even though the moves are mostly tickling.
Some days I want to leave everything and just run away with him. Other days I want to own 3 baby dragons and be fireproof and naked.
“Christopher! What’s the rule?”
“Don’t eat the Amazon guy?”
“The other rule.”
“Don’t eat the UPS guy?”
“The OTHER rule.”
“Stay off the furniture?”
“That’s right.”
I’m only grabbing fast food to refill my napkin collection in the car.
4: Did you just shower?? Your hair looks so pretty!
Me: Awwww, thank y—
4: It looks like a bug
Me:
I told my five-year-old she’s due for a performance review and she ignored me. That’s definitely going in the review.
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
When my kids misbehave we watch ‘Honey, I Shrunk the Kids’ and then I make them stand in a giant Petri dish while I set up the machine.
Meat loaf is in the oven, potatoes are ready to boil and mash, and laundry’s almost done. Omg, I’m my imaginary wife.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
My kids are yelling so incoherently at one another it sounds like they’re naming IKEA furniture.
I’ve never wanted a mansion. Not because I’m modest- I just don’t need more places to lose my keys.
Husband: [shrugs] I just feel sexier when I leave a little landing strip.
Wife: Finish mowing the damned yard.
[sitting on the deck with my son]
Me: look son, everything the light touches-
Son: yes dad?
Me: -you have to mow.
The most exercise I get is trying to keep my flip flops on while walking.