Laziness is the art to rest before one gets tired.
#AmazingFacts #RubbishJokes
#Wednesday
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i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
WARNING: Local youths in the park are asking passers-by to audition for the remake of Aquaman. DON’T DO IT. They filmed my audition and posted it on youtube under the title, “We tricked this guy to climb into the park fountain”. I AM 99% SURE THEY ARE NOT REAL HOLLYWOOD PRODUCERS
gonna wash my car with my girlfriends pomeranian to spice things up
Too many Christmas rom-coms, not nearly enough Halloween rom-coms
My dog doesn’t even understand what I’m doing when I air guitar solos to metal ballads but she dutifully holds up her lighter.
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Cop: looks like you’re wearing a seatbelt
Me: safety first 🙂
Cop: ok *closes port-a-potty door*
[Justice League Disney Hotel]
Me: can I have some help with my bags?
Aquaman: Sure. Water friends for.
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
Swimmer’s ear. Not sure what to do about it. The things you find in the pool filter.
Mario Kart gave me unrealistic expectations of how banana peels affect traffic.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
British people be like “gotta bring the car to the mechanic for a chune-up”
Improve a famous quote by adding or replacing a word with tacos.
Only a life lived for tacos is a life worthwhile. — Albert Einstein
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Judge: Did you commit murder?
Me: I’m a man. I’m afraid of commitment.
Judge: hahaha!
Me: hahaha!
Judge: Life.
Morning my dudes.
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
If I can hear you chew, I have fantasized about your death.
True freaking story!
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine