Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
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I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
Therapist: So what happened in your last relationship?
I lost him to addiction.
Therapist: I’m so sorry. Drugs?
Yes please.
The first people who called chocolate a vegetable are the real heroes.
Wife: [watching the news] oh God, did you see Petsmart got robbed?!
Me: [loud barks coming from all 19 pockets of my parachute pants] nope
As a man with a beard, I can tell you, when you get sauce in there you just rub it in. It’s part of the beard now
The first Hobbit movie was half the book. The second, about a quarter. In the sixth instalment, the group has a 3 hour breakfast and a nap.
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
Next time you kill thousands of innocent people in a disaster, tell the judge you “work in mysterious ways” and see how far it gets you.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
I’m a Twitter guy who is married to a Facebook girl, so I don’t understand how people of differing religions can’t get along.
Please do not compare your dog problems to parenting. Your dog cannot say your name 3,258 times in a day.
Last night I couldn’t sleep at all, just lying wide awake
“Oh, insomnia?”
No, in bed you idiot. Where the hell is Somnia?
I’m not an alcoholic. I only go to the liquor store every day because they ask to see my ID & therefore must think I look young & pretty.
just wait til i figure out what algorithm means
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Him: No more coffee for you.
Me: “Why? I’m fine,” I say while detailing the neighbor’s car.
There are usually two types of merchants.
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Went to the dentist today. My teeth are fine. I just wanted to hear some of my songs.
hollywood loves making white people on tv eat chinese food directly from the container with chopsticks they can’t use so they just poke the food
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
don’t talk to me until I’ve had 3 iced coffees & argued with a lady about terriers & threw an iced coffee in her face
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”