I could join a gym, but I prefer to work out at home because I can use the treadmill cups for chips and salsa
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Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I always thought it was socially acceptable to mop up gravy with a piece of bread, but apparently it has to be “your plate” and you have to “have clothes on”.
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
[Home invasion]
Me: isn’t there anything ELSE you want to take?
Burglar: lady I told you I’m married
Tbh I don’t even wanna know what they did
Aziz Ansari dancing in the video for “Otis” is me at every wedding I’ve ever been to.
Running is the best way to remind yourself how much you love sitting.
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
Genie: you have 17 wishes
Me: isn’t it normally 3??
Genie: yeah but *vaguely gestures to me* lot of issues here.
When you said you wanted to show me a stiff one, I had no idea you worked in a morgue.
Obligatory April 25th Meme Tweet 😆
90% of marriage is turning on a loud appliance when your spouse calls out to you from another room.
Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
911: 911
me: I think my smoke detector is broken
911: is there smoke?
me: how would I know?
911:
me: 911 how would I know?
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
Adam: Thank you for carrying me a great distance at speeds otherwise unimaginable to me. I shall call you “Horse”.
Horse: *getting excited* OooOooo okay thanks! It’s kinda basic, but I like it
Adam: and this twisted up sea crouton is also a horse
Horse: wait what the frick
mom always warned us not to sit too close to the TV, but we turned out pergectly fime.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
11.45: Arrived at crime scene
11.45: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11.45: Found murder weapon in drain
11.45: Realised watch was broken
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
thief: [breaking into my car] why are u in the trunk
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
I have a memory like one of those big grey things you know the ones I mean.
My sister thinks I should come see her new baby, but where was she when I got my new goldfish? Nice try sis.