(praying for the first time in a long while and trying to be extra flattering to god): sweetheart,
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How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
It may snow in Atlanta so I just bought 47 loaves of bread and now I’m headed out to the interstate so I can get stranded in a good spot.
When walking by the school’s lost and found area dads can’t stop themselves from saying “you wanna go shopping, get a new coat?”
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
Delilah: Hey
Jude: Hey there
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
them: did you know …
me: lemme stop you right there, pal you could fill an Amazon warehouse with what I don’t know
I’ve been practicing Social Distancing my whole life.. Just sayin.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
CUSTOMER: i’m here for the $10 car wash?
CAR WASH GUY: *scrubbing car with a soapy ten-dollar bill* that’ll be $44.99
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Barista: That will be $8.00.
Me: Sure. *walks out with the napkin dispenser and an entire bucket of Splenda*
Prayers for my teen who has a long, uphill battle overcoming her mom hugging her at the bus stop.
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
What idiot called it a rattlesnake’s warning rattle and not a cautionary tail?
*walks into high school reunion with six-foot tall sack of flour*
I took the assignment seriously. Anyway, this is Max… my son.
My dog is always so happy to see me in the morning. I’m sure it’s 90% because I’m letting him out to pee but that other 10% is all me.
First time drinking whiskey.
Barman: And this one is 15 years old.
Me: Do you have any fresh ones?
I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
Hell yes, I have the body of a Greek god: nice abs, expressionless eyes, genitals shot off by bored soldiers during The Franco-Prussian War
How are the neighbors supposed to free load off your WiFi if the signal barely makes it to the living room.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
[tarot reader looks at my cards]
you’re gonna die clonking your head on something
My bf bought a kazoo and in unrelated news he can’t find it for some reason..
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.