Finally a use for spoilers…
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toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
[Pixar Studios]
HIRING MANAGER: Your resume says you have prior experience with animation, is that correct?
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: Yes
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
To the people who tell expectant parents to “stock up on sleep while you can,” please know that’s not how sleep works.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
“Kids today are pathetic” is NOT a good take from the generation raising today’s kids. It’s like giving a bad Yelp review to the restaurant you run.
#rubbishjokes
Watched all Star Wars movies back to back with my friend.Luckily I was the one facing the TV.
dating a skinny guy is cool and all until you’re cooking and you accidentally boil him with the noodles
So, showing you my sweet excel spreadsheet formulas ISN’T foreplay? I really don’t know what to do with that information.
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
Putting my cat at the top of my Christmas tree this year because 1) she’s already an angel and 2) she’s going to climb up there anyway
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
For the orator and chef in all of us
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
INTERVIEWER: We want someone who isn’t just a yes-man, you know what I mean?
ME [clever] no
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
Can an objects name be any more ridiculous than the walkie talkie? Why aren’t toilets called ‘sitty shittys’? Refrigerator ‘foody cooly’?
10 y/o daughter says she wants a job like mine someday because I’m “important but not that important” and my life story finally has a title.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
I don’t like people driving fast… that’s the reason why I overtake them.
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
I have never seen a single “when animals attack” video that I wasn’t rooting for the animal.
I saw a guy pushing a stroller with a kayak balanced on top, like he had traded the baby for it. And clearly he hadn’t planned this. He didn’t have the car with him, so it must have been a spur of the moment baby trade. Some amazing kayak salesman was willing to make a deal.