Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
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therapist: these people who think you’re “funny” *takes off his glasses* are they in the room with us right now?
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Grandma: what’s oversharing?
Me: It’s when you talk about your hemorrhoid surgery on FaceBook.
Not to brag but I can trip over things that aren’t even there!
My kids just pounded on my office door yelling “FBI – open up!!!” when I was on a work call, so yeah, I’m totally looking forward to them going back to school in-person.
[toddler saves Michael Cera from drowning]
It’s been a really expensive month for the last 125 months.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
Women are from Venus, men are wrong.
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
last night i was drinking a non-alcoholic beer and the baby wanted to try it so i let her and she loved it and kept going back for more which would normally be fine but we were at a brewery so the optics were kinda like, not great
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
Weird how old people suddenly stop being so deaf the second you put some music they don’t like on
The ice cream man is not impressed how much faster I run than children.
Go ahead and kidnap me. You’ll return me when my meds wear off.
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
My neighbor has had 3 peletons delivered. This is a cult, right?
I’ve never “hopped on a call.” I’ve trudged begrudgingly towards my webcam like a prisoner walking the plank
I started my diet 2 hours ago, I’m glad that’s over.
I’ve matured a lot. For example, I used to listen to Fall Out Boy and break stuff, but now I listen to Mozart and break stuff
I don’t know about anyone else but the second I see a cop in my rear view mirror..I know he’s running my plates and about to pull me over for the bank heist I imagined last week..
I just tried a keto friendly cereal. I think tomorrow I’ll just eat my cabinets.
Every Red Hot Chili Peppers song has a part where it sounds like they’re trying to guess words for a crossword puzzle.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I told my husband I wanted a hedgehog and he said we don’t need a hedgehog. Long story short, we’re picking it up on Thursday.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Mom: if your friends jumped off a bridge, would you jump too?
Me, friendless: rub it in a little more, Judy