Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
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The reason I switched from a backpack to a messenger bag is so that I look more classy and professional carrying nothing but snacks to work.
as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Why is it called a backhanded compliment and not a slampliment?
My family went camping & left me home alone, like I’d be missing out.
Oh please, don’t leave me home with electricity & running water.
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
I really don’t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she’s at least 18.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
My dentist recommended I sleep with a mouth guard, but I’m skeptical insurance even covers who I sleep with.
Me [murdering the last vampire] it’s the final count down!
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
H: You’re a narcissist.
Me: But I’m pretty, right?
H: Not my type.
Me: Funny?
H: Annoying.
M: The MOST annoying?
H: Yes,
M: I’ll take it.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
While at Starbucks today I overheard a 20-something telling friends how she “only eats farm-to-table,” and has “never felt better.”
Please let the record state she was drinking a Frappuccino as she shared her secret to good health.
Anyone know where Frappuccinos are farmed?
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Miss 9 trips over something and bangs her jaw on the bed.
Ohh no, how come you’re so clumsy I ask just as I bump my own head on a door frame.
Bachelor party photos will always come back to haunt you.
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 10 years
Me: idk Where do you see YOURSELF in 10 years
Interviewer: i don’t wanna say it’s embarrassing lol
Me: come on what if we say it at the same time
Interviewer: ok deal
Me: ok, 3..2..1
In sync: making furniture for hamsters
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
*Watching TV*
Hmmm, I should read more
*Turns on subtitles*
Me: Nothing is set in stone.
Gargoyle: Wow I’m like right here.
[science fair]
Judge: each contestant is scored on 5 factors with the highest being the winner
Me: long sandwiches should have suitcase handles
Judge: ok you’re definitely the highest
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, if you drive a Nissan but don’t call it Liam then what is even the point of you
King-sized beds: Because you both want to sleep on the same mattress, but not in the same zip code.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
I tried meowing back to the cat to show him I was making an effort, but he just switched to English.
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you