ME: my greatest strength is giving people clever nicknames.
QUESTION ASKER MAN: and how is this a skill that will help you here?
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I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
Friend teaching me how to flirt: You have to lick your lips just a little, make it look sexy.
Me: Like this?
Friend: No, not like that
Me: How about now?
Friend: Please stop
Me:
I don’t know who this is, but he’s made my day.
Twitter crush? Nah, that’s my X girlfriend.
The amount of cream cheese I smear on a bagel when I’m dining out is VERY different than when I’m at home. Alone. With my tub of cream cheese.
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
What’s a retweet called now?
I vote Xerox.
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
The best part of marriage is when your spouse goes on a diet and you don’t have to share your snacks.
Protip: Eclipse glasses are not cheap but if you wait until tomorrow you can get a really good deal on them.
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
I love chasing after you…
* me to the ice cream man driving down the road
Yesterday I watched a YouTube tutorial on how to install a chandelier.
Today I’m watching a YouTube tutorial on how to clean up after a chandelier fire.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
Siri, where did I go wrong?
Siri: How long you got?
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
For people who say “nothing is impossible”, that’s crazy. I’ve been successfully doing nothing for several years now.
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
Steve Miller: “Some call me the gangster of love.”
Rest of the Steve Miller Band: “Nobody calls him that.”
I hate how Pinterest highlights that some moms make pancakes that look like animals when I can’t even make pancakes that look like pancakes.
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.