A dashcam video of a cop lip-syncing and dancing to a Taylor Swift song went viral, which is just one more reason to hate the police.
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Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
Employer: i am sorry. we will not be hiring you.
Me: i understand completely. you won’t be disappointed.
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
I suffer from premature procrastination. It’s when you procrastinate before even receiving a task…
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
My wife asked me about the Oxford comma and now she wants me to go back to my usual brooding silence.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
Important new ad I stuck up in town today. Experts only, please.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Me: This is my semester. Imma get it together and graduate.
Sinus infection followed immediately by stomach flu: Right…
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
LUKE: daddy, what’s my name from?
ME: it’s from the bible
CHEWBACCA: and mine?
ME: umm [sweating] also the bible
I just pulled over for a siren on the radio so I get it, dogs that bark at tv.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
If I was on the Titanic I would have told the captain “Do not hit that iceberg,” saving millions in the process
How to properly lift a body
The comment ads on twitter are so trippy
“And now a break from 2 people wishing death upon each other for a message about life insurance”
The true mark of maturity is when somebody hurts you, and you try to understand them in order to best tailor a revenge plot that suits them.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
Your Parents divorced because your Dad didn’t want to put your talentless paintings on the fridge.
My friend and I were talking about food and he said “I’m not a big Chinese guy” and I was like “I know you’re not”
[wife holding box of mac & cheese] the powder packet is missing, weird
[me holding large glass of what looks like orange milk] that is weird