Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
You Might Also Like
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
“Always leave her wanting more” doesn’t mean eat the last of the nachos, jerk.
You: Feeling cute. Might delete later.
Everyone: Please
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
Little Red: I’m going to grandmas
Mom: wait I didnt finish teaching u the difference between human and wolf anatomy
Little Red: when would I ever need to know that?
Mom: lmao ya ur right. have fun
Sometimes you drop things into that crack next to the driver’s seat and those things just belong to the vehicle’s next owner now
I’ve never read Catcher In The Rye, mostly because I can’t stand cereals or baseball.
Hear me out: Spray-on wrapping paper.
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
this year i WILL investigate all suspicious noises instead of merely saying “must have been the wind” and returning to my patrol route
Kids these days think Christmas is all about getting presents instead of celebrating the birth of Santa Claus.
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
PIG: “I’m paranoid everyone’s trying to turn me into bacon”
PSYCHIATRIST: “I’ll cure you”
PIG: “Oh God, not you too”
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
this is the most chaotic energy iv ever seen
me: I always get shy around beautiful women
friend: just tell her
cashier: hi
me: *quiet mumbling*
cashier: what?
me: ᴵ ˢᵃⁱᵈ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ’ˢ ᵃ ᵈᵉᵃᵈ ᵇᵒᵈʸ ⁱⁿ ʸᵒᵘʳ ᵈᵘᵐᵖˢᵗᵉʳ
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
Things that are dangerous-
-riding a motorcycle
-sharks
-riding sharks
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
People constantly tweeting about rough hot sex have clearly never thrown their back out
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
I like to walk up to strangers and ask, “Would you take a photo of me?” If they say yes I hand them a photo of me and walk away.
Fireman: Is anyone else inside the house?
Me: Uh yes..my son is trapped in my room he- [fireman charges into blaze] ..HE LOOKS LIKE AN XBOX
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
Moonlit nights are the best when you light a fire in the pit, have a glass of wine and the neighbor didn’t hear you come outside.
Person: “Why are you wheelchair bound?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “To even the playing field for everyone else.”
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*