I once started a “Think for yourself” cult and nobody came back after the first meeting.
You Might Also Like
I wonder how many tragedies I’ve prevented by standing nearby with my hands on my hips saying “Be careful!”
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
[In England]
Hey, you look like you could lose a few pounds
*steals your wallet*
That seems a conundrum…
🤔
Me: What’s the suite number on that address?
8: It just says “Hashtag 301.”
Me: Before hashtags were born, those were called number signs.
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
The school is serving mini corn dogs tomorrow and I honestly don’t know who’s more excited: my 8yo, who likes approximately 5 foods, or me, who doesn’t have to pack her lunch.
*gets ghosted*
Me: awesome, thanks for the 14-day free trial
Act happy in the supermarket checkout line to contradict the sad story unfolding on the conveyor belt.
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Wife’s asleep, so while watching TV I apologized to her corner spot on the sofa, for opening the bag of chips during key scenes
Every time someone thinks I’m younger than I am, an angel gets cake
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Any way is the right way to plug in a USB if you’re not a weakass
me: Gary, plse hand me the vial of ultra contagious lethal virus with no known cure
Gary, who up until now has never dropped anything: ok
You look so perfect standing there,
In my American Apparel underwear,
But I know now you probably opened the wrong Christmas present grandma
[Baseball game]
ME: [giggle] I love how they named the positions in the game after the bases of sex
HIM: What? No, baseball came first
ME: ok I’m pretty sure sex came before baseball
My daughter picked up my husbands kettleball and tried swinging it and ended up knocking a hole in the wall. She looks over at me and says, “Is that okay?”
I’m like sure, we always wanted a hole in the wall so go on with ya bad self!
gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
You light one person on fire and all of a sudden the police drive by on the daily.
If I could be Barbie, I wouldn’t care about having Ken, the dream house,or the Corvette. I’d just like being tall so I could reach everything.
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
Alexa, trade my personal privacy for a cooking timer please.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
I still remember the childhood pain of having to wear a sweater over my Halloween costume, so don’t say I don’t know tragedy.
Watching The Blair Witch Project. They brought no alcohol or drugs?
“I need an answer to a question, but I’m not looking for the same old information from all the books and articles. I want the real truth.”
“I feel like your first mistake may have been coming to the building with all the books and articles.”