(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.
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I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
I hate this time of year when you have to check all your razors to make sure none of them are actually made of chocolate
NETFLIX: Skip intro?
ME: Yes.
NETFLIX: Okay… you know someone worked really hard on that intro.
ME: Should…should I not skip it?
NETFLIX: I mean, that’s not for me to say.
ME: Okay, skip intro.
NETFLIX: Okay *quietly* you’re a terrible person.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
Baby carrots imply the existence of carrot sex, and now I’m never looking into the crisper drawer again.
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
This sounds bad:
me: Hey!! Four Eyes!!!
Mississippi: *crying*
Kids eat free today? Nice… In that case, I’ll have a water and my son will have the steak and shrimp combo with a kids bud light.
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
I tried calling off work this morning but my boss just screamed and threw his light up shoes at me and now we’re on our way to the park again
#RubbishJokes #Coffee
Waiter, waiter, the coffee is cold!Thanks for letting me know, ice coffee is one pound dearer.
Ladies, if he’s never gonna:
-give you up
-let you down
-run around
-desert you
-make you cry
-say goodbye
-tell a lie
-hurt youHe’s not your man, he’s tacos
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
One good thing about this heatwave is that no one is hiding in your backseat to try to kill you.
Shouldn’t all ghosts be naked? It’s not like your clothes die too.
Law Enforcement: We’re cracking down on distracted driving.
Car companies: Here’s a 9-inch TV in your dashboard.
car mechanic: I’m tired
drummer: I’m beat
pipe layer: I’m drained
gardener: I’m bushed
chef: I’m fried
tailor: I’m worn
plumber: I’m pooped
*Remembering the time I took a picture of myself every day for a year without removing the lens cap*
Me: I refuse to believe that year 2004 was 30 years ago
Them: it wasn’t
Me: that’s what I just said
doctor: your body is weak. take care of it
mobster: got it
[later, gun to his chest]
mobster: doctor sends his regards
Im sorry, but that car does not have 5 doors. It’s 4 doors. No one is climbing in through the boot.
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
[10mins from now]
..& just like that North Korea was removed from history & got nuked by every country on Earth for bringing down Twitter..
On medical forms I put down Elon Musk as my emergency contact so he can build a space catapult to hurl my body into the sun when I die.