firefox refused to restore my session that i’ve had going for 2+ years….
over 7k tabs down the drain….
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God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
If I were a werewolf I wouldn’t have to chain myself up at night because I don’t like going out anyway.
someone is getting married down the street from me and their wedding geofilter works at my house
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
You’ve won this round supervisor, but accidentally leave your Ok Cupid profile open one more time and you’ll be a transgender time traveler.
In honour of Agatha Christie, turn off all the lights and kill one of your work colleagues.
Immediately pulled out of any TV show if there’s a bookcase in the background. “Why do they have two copies of Twilight Eclipse!?” I yell at my wife as she Googles divorce lawyers…
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
PILOT: sorry for the delay, everyone. we’ll make up some time in the air
[1 hr later]
PILOT: it is now 67:91 o’clock guys
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
Looking at the smoldering corpses of his enemies, Harry Potter thought “damn magic is dope as hell.” #LastLinesFromGreatBooks
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
I love how all my apps shake when I go to delete one..
There all like awww shit,
who’s it gonna be this time
im VERY laid back. i only care about 2 things:
every person on earth & their opinion of me
the crushing psychological weight of being alive
Swung by drugstore to pick up cheapo last minute anniversary gift for my girlfriend, completely forgetting about her new job as drugstore cashier.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Wearing ‘EarPods’ is my favorite way of making the rest of the world believe my verbal outbursts are part of a heated phone conversation.
My 10 yr old was hugging the cat, & whispering to him “I love you so much that you’re the 2nd most loved thing in my life.” Aww, I thought, she’s still mama’s little girl. Then she finished her whisper with “But spaghetti is my favorite thing.”
Me to my toddler: Listen up, small human. Here are some farm animal sounds you should learn to prepare you to climb the corporate ladder.
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
My son went out, put his hands on his hips, and started saying how great my lawn mowing job looked and this is how dads get high
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
No thanks, Downward dog.
I’m already busy with Downward spiral.