I started cleaning the house at 8:00 this morning. And I cleaned for what felt like forever. Finally, at 8:05 I said, “Screw this!” and went back to the couch where I belong.
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I wrote “Clarence sale” instead of “clearance sale” and now there are angry old ladies here looking for a husband.
*bumps into an acquaintance in a world where there’s no such thing as weather* Uhhhhhhhhhhh
[while laying in the tub for 35 minutes] what about a cologne that smells like cereal?
[adding more hot water to the tub] but what cereal?
Therapist: Your mother is so overprotective she is the cause of your issues connecting to women emotionally
Me: Well yo mama so stupid she tried to climb Mountain Dew
I was in the first Top Gun movie.
I was the Marine actually working out in the background while the Navy took time off to play little volleyball games.
Tinder: Meet people within a few miles
Twitter: Meet people within a few thousand miles
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
[guy running at me with a machete]
wonder what this fella wants
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
Damn girl clean ur room before u paint a selfie
so long suckers! i rev up my motorcylce and create a huge cloud of smoke. when the cloud dissipates im lying completely dead on the pavement
Gmail told me my password wasn’t secure enough but I couldn’t remember it to change it.
How is it not secure enough if I made it and still can’t crack it??
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
“I don’t know why you don’t just leave him, Elaine.”
Wearing the same outfit two days in a row ’cause I’m practicing to be a cartoon
me: where’s the milk?
supermarket clerk: by the eggs
me: no i just want milk
“Nailed it.”
-inventor of crucifixion
“Hey Siri, what’s a narcissist?”
*Siri turns on front-facing selfie cam*
“Whatever bitch, you’re just jealous”
Always do the right thing
everyone has a camera.
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
Before kids I only had to take the trash out once a week, now I forget it once and A&E is kicking in my door trying to film an episode of Hoarders
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
My family arranging my open casket funeral:
Here’s a picture of how we all remember her. Can you make her look like this?Mortician: This is a printout of the eye roll emoji.
There is no cool way to zip up your pants during a meeting.
Nothing works harder than my sports bra when I’m chasing the ice cream truck.
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.