Good thing they had us dissect frogs in high school that prepared us for all the times in real life we’ve had to dissect frogs.
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Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
Her: The world is gonna end in 30 minutes!!! 30 MINUTES!
Me *ordering a pizza* yeah this will be tight, for sure
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
Increase your odds of your pickup lines working by adding “and there’s pizza” at the end.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
I’m an introvert but also a narcissist so if you could find a way to praise and compliment me without having to talk to me, that’d be great
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
Wait for it…
This is *probably* the best villainous hair reveal in cinema history.
[phone rings]
“Hello?”
Hi, is your refrigerator running?
“WTF?”
…well Hillary is! Hi, I’d like to talk to you about the Clinton campaign.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings
ME: i dropped acid almost every day for one year
my son Acid: is that why i can’t do math Dad
Hannibal Lecter: I don’t taste the girl scout in this cookie.
4: When can I wear 13 shirts?
Me: When you live in NYC and get in an argument with your roommate and decide to put on all of his clothes
Ever realize the only thing stopping you from a life of crime is a good night’s sleep? Anyway, I slept well.
I’m Asian. We literally have no wrinkles until we wake up one day with the jowls of a Saint Bernard.
Ok so all of our kids get excuse notes for school tomorrow whether in person or online right?
“I’m sorry I’m late, my parents were drinking stuff and yelling at the TV all night”
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
Wife: You put the wrong date on this.
Me: Oh, yeah. The year change always messes me up.
Wife: You wrote 1992.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
In my daydreams I’m majestic, like a hippo ballerina, but in reality, I’m a rhinoceros breakdancer.
Empathy: I feel you
Sympathy: I feel for you
Lycanthropy: I feel awoo
What percentage of the zombies are just chasing you down to tell you they’re vegan?
I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.