Octopuses are amazing in that they can squeeze into really tight spaces to hide.
But when I do it, NO ONE is amazed. All I hear is, “Play with us!” from my kids and “STOP hiding under the bed from our kids, YOU ARE NOT an octopus!” from my wife.
[Sigh]
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Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.
I’m sorry son, but autocorrect keeps changing your name to Marty. That’s your new name now, there’s nothing we can do about it.
Delete the phrase “it goes without saying.” Nothing goes without saying people are idiots
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Welcome to your late 20’s, you may choose a hobby from the list below.
1. Do Crossfit
2. Make child
[scrabble]
god: 43 points
angel: squid? wtf is squid?
god: it’s an animal
angel: you can’t just make up animals
god: [jim-faces into camera]
I decided not to put my clocks back so from hence forth I shall be on time for everything.
Wow, you’ve got a lot of hickeys Kris.
Me: Busy weekend *winks
*remembers wrestling that octopus at the aquarium for giving me side eye.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
The turkey is the luckiest one at the Thanksgiving table because it’s already dead.
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
Lady was pissy when I insisted on walking with her to the parking lot, but it was raining and she had an umbrella.
[right after sex]
Me: so that was uhh-
The Flash: I KNOW OKAY?!
if i die wearing my guy fieri fire shirt will i be camouflaged in hell
Toddler: happy birthday daddy!
Me: aw thanks buddy!
Toddler: it’s my birthday too?
Me: no your birthday is in December.
Toddler: IT’S MY BIRTHDAY TOO!
Me: no-
Toddler: TELL ME HAPPY BIRTHDAY!
Me: but-
Toddler: SAY IT!
Me: happy birthday?
Toddler: thanks daddy!
Gonna take the kids to the planetarium so they can watch YouTube on their phones.
My favourite horror sitcom crossover was I Know What You Did Last Of The Summer Wine
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I tell all my ex girlfriends I just want them to be happy (happy was a golden retriever I saw get hit by a train in 1997)
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
People who say all you need is love probably already stocked up on Doritos
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
true crime documentaries are like “he was a good man except to his spouse, children, coworkers, and victims”
waiter: what would you like?
me: maybe the steak
waiter: and what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have the steak too
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”