Letting my son turn the pages when we read together so he’s more engaged with the story and also because sometimes he accidentally skips pages.
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Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
Therapist: What brings you to couples counseling?
Husband: [rolls eyes] My wife says I “exclude her.”
Therapist: Where is your wife by the way?
100% of all babіes are unemployed. Pathetіc.
JUDGE: Are you trying to bribe me?
ME: All I’m saying is I could easily cut this burrito in half.
Me: Could you have someone clean the third floor restroom?
Front desk clerk: There is no third floor restroom.
Me: There is now.
Currently on minute 137 of Easy~Bake Oven cupcakes. I’ll be live Tweeting their status as they crisp up over the next day or two.
My friend asked what I’d say if my husband told me he’d never touch me again? I told her, I’d need it in writing.
I finally have glasses, which is great because I needed one more thing to frantically search for every morning.
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
A few years ago I accidentally left one of my kids at the Alamo. It wasn’t too bad, it was less than 20 minutes when we realized. The problem is now, at 17, anytime she wants something she says, “REMEMBER THE ALAMO?” and my mom guilt takes over and she gets whatever she wants.
2 wants to be a firefighter when she gets big so she can “save all da people from da pigeons and spiders.” You’re welcome.
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
My husband and I often laugh about how competitive we are, but I laugh more.
STATUS UPDATE: Helping my coworkers look for the last leftover donut I ate in the conference room this afternoon.
hot peppers: if you chop me up i’ll cover your hands with pain oil.
me: no problem i’ll just wash them.
hot peppers: [chuckling] oh yeah good luck with that.
“But, Daddy, I don’t want to shower, because after I’m done with the shower, and before I dry off, I’m really soaked…”
– My kid, coping with the realization that water is wet.
*mops up wine with cat*
My mother is my travel agent for guilt trips.
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I’m going to the gym now.
Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
30-year-old: My knee hurts, but I don’t know why.
Me: Aww, that’s cute. I remember when I thought pain had to have reasons.
My neighborhood is having a meeting tonight about the crazy naked lady and I’m the only one not invited. Weird.
I once watched a documentary on ferns because the remote was out of reach.
A dog needs to be the next president.
“A dog can’t-”
When has a dog ever raised taxes or started a war?
“I’ll start the paperwork.”
“Our toes look nothing like that!” – Camels
Shout out to the KFC drive-thru attendant who offered me “enough ranch to drown a small child”
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
Dylan Thomas: Do not go gentle into that good night… Rage, rage against the dying of the light…
*cut to me already Hulk-smashing a lamp