Based on all of my exes I would have to say that Cupid has a wicked sense of humor.
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[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
me looking at kristen stewart pics: i should get a mullet. it will definitely look as good on me and not like a small animal died on my weird head
It’s that time of the year when you are equally sweaty 2 minutes before and after shower.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
What idiot made dessert forks smaller than dinner forks?
My husband pays me the highest compliments. Like “WOW! Look at you. You’re dressed.”
Me: I want to ask you one question – are you an ortho-DONT-ist, or an ortho-DO-ist?
Orthodontist: I’m not giving your cat braces
Discuss
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
JOB INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
MARTY MCFLY: I literally have no idea.
If you want your kid to play with their toy just give it to your other kid. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
My shower head has 2 settings; remove top layer of skin, or wash away sins.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
People need to learn how to record their name on a voicemail system.
“You have one new voicemail from… *heavy breathing* Toooooooddddd”
God grant me the dgaf to lol at the things I can’t even, the swag to yolo the things I can, and the lifehacks to know the difference
[yelling at a maple tree] Release your pancake sauce to me you piece of shit
[1st date, don’t let her know you’re a panda]
“Do u mind if I ask how you got the um *gestures at eyes*
These? I..*rubs neck* cage fighting
I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread
Two days in a row someone has tried using my Apple Card to buy flowers. Buddy, walk over to your neighbors garden and steal some roses like a real man. The world has gone soft.
“I didn’t go to grad school to assemble agenda folios for the quarterly board meeting” I think as I drizzle Dawn into the CEO’s coffee pot.
When someone says you are so lazy
this country is so goddamn polarized
I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”
It’s very 2024 because I was just so impressed with how thick that store’s checkout bags are. I was like, “Such nice bags. Oh wow. So sturdy! Usually plastic bags are like tissue paper thin. These, now THESE bags are some serious bags. They can HOLD stuff. These are for me? Wow”
Dear People who like me,
I appreciate every single two of you.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
this one has claws
This one swims but can’t fly
This one is huge & runs funny
This one bangs his head against trees
– god making birds
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant