me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”
You Might Also Like
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
Do not, and I can’t stress this enough, drink half a bottle of Irish whiskey and then make the completely rational assumption that you could cut your own hair.
Forgot to use a coupon my wife gave me so now I have to hide it like it’s a dead body.
I’m at the age I don’t remember it’s my birthday but my wife makes me feel better by reminding me I’m at the age I don’t remember anything.
Me, to my cousin Chad: You might wanna sit down.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
My 4yo knows I’m hard to wake in the night
Unfortunately he also knows using his stuffed toy to wack me in the face a few times does the trick
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
[pronounces lasagna like bologna]
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Dear resealable chocolate bag, your confidence in my self-control was truly inspiring. And you were delicious.
Me: Why did you throw that pencil at your brother?! You could have poked his eye out!
9: But I didn’t
Me: Not now but it could have hit him
9: But it didn’t
Me: That’s not the point! He could have gotten hurt
9: But he didn’t
Me: (pulls out wine cork with teeth)
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
If Justin Bieber were an insect he would be a Despasquito. im very sorry you had to read this
I can also cook 😂
Today (Sept. 17) is international Batman day!
#BatmanDay #webcomic #Weird
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
I only hug people to practice in case I need a human shield.
Bugs Bunny taught me my choices aren’t limited to fight or flight, I can also pretend I’m a pretty lady.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
the 4-year-old’s “favorite stick” broke and she wants me to glue it back together. Will she succeed in getting me to fix a god damned stick from nature
“can I have 2 sausage & cheese biscuits”
That’ll be $2.60
“with egg”
$7.78
NVM no egg
$17.83
“What?”
[at gun point] give us ur wallet
I have so much to offer this world but I am so far behind on my shows.