weighted blankets are not enough. hit me with a shovel
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One last time…
It’s ‘a lot’ not ‘alot’!
It’s that simple.
Tomorrow we’ll cover thermonuclear fusion & the works of Voltaire.
This fall on Fox:
X-Files Babies.
Baby Skully and Baby Mulder meet at a petting zoo when they both get knocked over by the same goat.
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
Argentina is surprisingly cold. In fact it’s bordering on Chile.
Therapist: and how are you now?
Morgan Freeman: I am fine
Morgan Freeman: but Morgan Freeman was not fine
Therapist: I’m sorry what?
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
On average most people gain 7 pounds during the holiday season. So, looks like I’m way ahead of schedule.
I would be a workaholic but I can’t stand the taste of workahol.
[The shark attack sketch]
Him: I’m terrified of being attacked by a shark.
Her: You’re so dumb. The chances of that happening are less than one in three million. Lol.[fin]
What is it about the human condition that makes us crumple up plastic bags and stick them in a bigger plastic bag and then stick that plastic bag under the sink never to be seen or heard from again
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
my fiancé and I started a baby jar & every time someone asks when we’re going to have kids we put a dollar in & when the jar is full we will spend it on whatever we want bc we don’t have kids
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
been a while since anyone declared a thumb war, peace has made us all soft.
Robber: If you ever want to see your family again do exactly as I say. Now hand me that bag!
Me: *sets bag on fire*
[first day of astronomy class]
So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,
or do we draw straws?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I lost my wife’s audiobook… and now I’ll never hear the end of it!
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
[arrest]
ME: you’ve got the wrong g-
COP: tell it to the judge
[court]
ME: your honor, that cop has the wrong glasses for his face shape
Them: they’re changing Spiderman’s footwear for the next film.
Me: Oh great, another reboot!
[Shark Tank]
INVESTOR: So, it’s a bra, with a built in queso holder?
ME: Yep
INVESTOR: And you call it the-
ME: The Bracho, yes
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.