Therapist: How are you feeling
Me: I think I’ve finally gotten over my agoraphobia. I’m ready to go outside and get on with my life 🙂
Therapist: Ok you’re not gonna believe this
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I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
My sneeze is the reason people in the middle ages believed sneezing was caused by demon possession
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
Me: My heart is full.
Cardiologist: Yes, that’s the problem.
It’s important to teach your children math so they can better understand what episode of Star Wars they are watching.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
I’M COLD my 7yo screams as she sits next to the AC vent in her underwear
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
Me: I forbid you to go!
Her: What was that?
Me: You heard me! I said, “I’d really appreciate it if you’d reconsider!”
I don’t want anti-wrinkle cream, I want a serum that bestows wrinkles upon my enemies.
Spider: Why don’t you like us? Most us are harmless and we kill all the bugs in your house? We just want to help
Humans: EW EW EW EW OMG
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Varied parenting styles on full display when a mom asked a little girl what her favorite song was & she replies, “Jesus Loves Me,” and at my daughter’s turn, she comes back with “Taste Tequila”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
If I saw 99 red balloons go by I’d probably just round it up to a hundred when I was telling people about it.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
“Make it rain” is the only appropriate response when asked if you want parmesan cheese.
Saw a man holding a newspaper and a blackberry so time travel is possible you guys!
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
When I go grocery shopping I start with the heavy stuff: bags of dog food, gallons of water. This increases your cart’s ramming power if things start to get ugly in the soup aisle.
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.