Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
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At school, Scooby-Doo excelled at the three Rs – biology, Spanish and geography.
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
interviewer: what can u bring to the firm
me: [places a tiny cactus on desk & smiles]
interviewer: I meant like clients
me: [removes cactus]
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
Court clerk: Are you here about your hearing?
Me: No my hearing’s fine, I think it’s that murder I did
Please do not return empty candy wrappers to the dish. It leads to false expectations and uncontrollable rage.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
[skating together on a frozen pond]
Her: Isn’t this romantic?
Me: *sees a ‘danger thin ice’ sign, makes a beeline for it* hell yeah
My 8yo was putting sunscreen on my back and said “it feels like I’m rubbing a pig”, in case anyone wonders why I’m drunk later.
video games are rated M for mature if they contain scenes of someone buying reading glasses or complaining about not getting enough fiber
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Welcome to your 40’s: that white stuff in your hair, is your hair.
“It gets better”
– vague
– passive
– civil“Time will put your enemies in the ground”
– specific
– threatening
– goal oriented
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
*tries to impress date by eating spaghetti with a straw*
[drinking my 5th coffee of the day] imma put this body on vibrate
Mom I wouldn’t be invited to jump off the bridge
friends who just got married: We were kind of hoping you’d stick to the registry.
me *crestfallen*: you don’t like the jukebox of screams?
Her: We had our friend for dinner.
Him: It sounds wrong when you say it like that.
Her: Sorry. We ate our friend for dinner.
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Our descendants will have smart toilets that will alert them to internal illnesses and trends in their diets just from their daily constitutional. I’m so glad I’ll be dead by then.
Probably my best painting.
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
Mailman: *handing me a heavy package* what the hell is in here
Me: what?
Mailman: what’s in the package
Me: oh I thought u meant my house
Mailman: no haha
Me: I was gonna say my bed and tables and stuff lol
Mailman: for real what is it
Me: oh bowling balls without holes
I wonder if Eric Clapton really thought she looked Wonderful or was it just the 20th outfit she’d tried & he just wanted to get to the party
wife’s still mad that I responded to the priest after he said our wedding vows with “agree to disagree”
little known fact: less famous brother, eustice wright, invented flying a spoon of vegetables into babies’ mouths