You Might Also Like
friend: why are you crying?
me: I’m having trouble dealing my grandma’s passing
grandma: *slinging a football at my head* just catch it, nerd
*First Passover*
The Lord: And you shall consume the meat of the lamb this same night, eating it roasted with unleavened bread and bitter herbs
Me: Like a gyro?
The Lord: Not exactly…
Me: HEY EVERYBODY GOD SAYS WE’RE HAVIN GYROS
Parents who say they love their children unconditionally have obviously never had a kid choose tuba as their band instrument.
Me: I named you kids after my favorite Pearl Jam songs
Jeremy: That’s really cool dad
Elderly Woman Behind the Counter in a Small Town: It’s not, actually
I’m allergic to bears. One bear bite and it’s straight to the ER for me.
This is the one week you can throw a charred corpse in the garbage without people asking a lot of questions.
when i wake up with no”good morning baby” text 😡
My coworker replaced her chair with an exercise ball to “work her core.”
I’m eating a giant chocolate chip cookie for breakfast.
I win.
covid spelled backwards is devil. Don’t look just take my word for it.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
[getting ready for church]
Me: If you don’t hurry up and get dressed, we’re leaving you behind.
6-year-old: Okay.
Me: If you don’t hurry up, you have to go to church twice.
6: *gets dressed in record time*
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
TV WRITER (MALE): How do we make the girl character hot hot cool make me hard?
OTHER WRITER (MALE): Make her know the names of all da carzzz!!
TVW: Should we give her other personality traits?
OTVW: No definitely not!
TVW: Should she BE a car?
OTVW: Whoa. Yes.
Dear ads, I have the buying power of a Victorian milkmaid
[Job interview]
“You list communication as a strength”Yes
“Care to elaborate?”
No
Coworker: It’ll either work or it won’t.
Me: Yes. Those would be the two possible outcomes.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.
I put an energy drink in my hummingbird feeder, now all my hummingbirds are going back in time and returning with tiny top hats.
My wife: hey I’m gonna go get a Brazilian
Me: you can just buy them?
I once put a cigarette out on someone’s arm for telling me that we didn’t evolve from giant centipedes. I graduated college, I know things.
I assured my wife that I should be left alone to play video games because I had plenty of time to get the dry cleaning and now I’m here and the cleaners decided to close early today for a “family event” and I think I just shouldn’t bother going home and just walk into the ocean.
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
if you call football “soccer” in front of the wrong person, they will throw themselves on the ground, dramatically, hoping a referee will hold up a little card that makes you go away
using only lowercase letters so everyone knows my stance on capitalism
“Is that a car alarm going off? Someone must be trying to steal it I better call the police!”
– literally no one ever
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.
Marital Law & Martial Law while look similar have very different meanings…
.. Except at my house.