Picture me and my boyfriend on a dinner date
Wrong
We’re sitting on the same side of the table making you uncomfortable
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At jury duty they said, “You do not have to be fluent in English.” So what you’re supposed to do is just guess if the guy is innocent.
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
Around my neighborhood I’m affectionately known as “Please stop taking pictures of my flowers you weirdo.”
One of my students told me she’s going to be a tooth fairy when she’s older. I didn’t even know that was an option!
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
Lance isn’t really that a common name anymore. In the old days, people were called Lance a lot.
Always the bridesmaid, never the winner of the office costume party because I keep going as a bridesmaid
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.
as someone who lives on earth rising sea levels are alarming. But as someone who has always wanted to be a mermaid? I’m intrigued
*slides into home plate and crowd goes wild*
Hey everybody, be quiet for a minute!
*pulls out phone, dials number*
Hi mom, I got home safe.
*answering phone* Mom you know instead of calling me you can just text, it’s easier.
*gets text from Mom* It’s your mother. Call me.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
I replaced my old flat pillow that hurt my neck with a new fat fluffy pillow that hurts my neck.
Robin: Your ad says you’re looking for a side chick?
Batman: Sidekick
Robin: Close enough
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“I was just-“
“Where am I, Jessica?”
“In the basket.”
“And what does that mean?”
“It’s YOU time?”
“It’s ME time. What else?”
“No touching?”
“No touching.”
god: i have made Mankind
angels: you fucked up a perfectly good monkey is what you did. look at it. it’s got anxiety
How to find out if you old.
(Fall down in front of a group of people.)
If they laugh, you are young.
If they panic, you are old.
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
OMG! Imagine being in a room with all of your exes!
*imagines room of people playing ps4 and ignoring me*
“I have the memory ofGOD DAMMIT LINE PLEASE!”
“An elephant, Dumbo. You have the memory of an elephant.”
“
your Covid tweet is so 3 variants ago 🙄
That’s what I call a flat tire
Manager: Why do you want to work at Comcast?
Applicant: I’ll get you an answer in about a week.
Manager: Brilliant! You’re hired.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
If you take terrible vacations, it’s more exciting coming back home
🎵Whooooaaaa, I’m halfway therrreee
WHOOOAAAA, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRRR
Take this wig, we’ll fake it I swearrrrr
WHOAOHH, LOSING ALL MY HAIRRR🎶
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.