Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
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Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
ME: I’m here to repair the gate
ST. PETER: No you’re not
ME: I… I need to fix it from the other side
Person: Are you on the conference call?
Me: *watching dancing animals videos* Like, deep in my heart?
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
Accidentally bought a left-handed bottle of shampoo and now I have to shower facing the other direction.
You remind me of a nebula. A newborn star Full of energy, color, and completely dense while being unstable.
Apparently the term for migraine-sufferer is ‘migraneur.’ Nice getting recognition as a kind of artisan of suffering
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
Took my 6-year-old to get his 1st Covid shot & afterwards he said, “That didn’t hurt, I’m sure getting a tattoo will be easy.”
I Just found out there’s an all you can drink Tequila train in Mexico..so I guess this is goodbye guys!
Last week I ran out of toilet paper and only had a dollar so I bought a pack of gum at CVS.
I haven’t run out of receipt yet.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
I had a long list of important things that I had to get done today. I lucked out, I can’t find it. Anyone free for lunch?
As a man, I honor Christopher Columbus every day of the year by refusing to ask for directions.
The seatbelt sensor dinged at my 5yo because he unbuckled while we were parked, and he yelled back MY MOM SAID I COULD OK
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Me: I hope people will come visit my skeleton after I die
Them: OH MY GOD will you just say “cemetery”
People who pretend they don’t know me when they see me in public are the real heroes
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
[Deleting all work emails]
THESE DON’T BRING ME JOY!
My kid asked me to hold her candy, took one look at my excited face and decided she should hold onto it instead, which was definitely the right call.
Two things I have learned at the beach:
1. Surfers are some of the nicest humans on the planet
2. Pelicans are the honey badgers of the bird world. If you’re standing next to a fish in the ocean, they don’t care one bit. They’ll dive & splash one foot from you & eat that fish.
A real ice cream truck would have melted by now.