Someone talked me into trying an egg nog flavored candy cane.
Don’t let this happen to you!
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My favorite outdoor activity is looking for shade.
*accidentally leaving the house without headphones* oH NO NOW PEOPLE CAN SEE ME
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
I don’t know why hair extensions are exclusive to women, I want to look like a centaur
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
[Penn and Teller getting a loan for their comedy act]
“Ok all you guys need is a name”
*they look around bank for ideas*
saw the new Barbie movie and to be honest I expected a lot more shrimp to be thrown on her
put on my eevee cosplay and my mom said i looked like a squirrel and took a picture of me in our yard and posted it in our neighborhood facebook group saying that the squirrels are getting larger this year and that someone needs to contact animal control
[after solid first date]
Ok play it cool, don’t wanna seem too eager..*texts her 47 years later*
“Had a great time the other night :)”
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me
Brain: Talk to that girl.
Me: She’s ugly. You’re drunk.
Brain: No you are.
Me: How many fingers am I holding up?
Brain: 12.
Me: Lucky guess.
You’re not allowed to make up words. It’s illexical
Parenting makes total sense when you’re doing it but probably seems weird from the outside. My wife just hid a pair of my toddler’s pants because ‘they were too much drama’ and that explanation seemed totally reasonable to me.
Feeling low? Ask a toddler to say hippopopimas… no wait hippoppotimis… you what forget it.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
2020: How to turn 5 pieces of clothing into a yearlong wardrobe.
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
I’m exceptionally good at proofreading after I hit send.
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
Accordion to current studies, 90% of you did not realize that this sentence started with a musical instrument.
Boss made me put a nametag over my left bosom. I leaned over and said, “Now, what shall we name the other one?”
Police Officer: You know, this is a one way street?
Me: I was only going one way…
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
GENIE: You can’t wish anybody would fall in love with you.
ME: What if everybody just disliked me less?
GENIE: Sure.
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE: Okay technically I should be able to do this but it’s not working.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
The worst thing about turning up at the ER drunk at 4am is explaining to the nurse that my 9 year old drove here.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
a rare painting of a porcu’melon