Caesar salads are prepared differently than garden salads…Notably, the head of lettuce is first attacked by 40-50 knife-wielding senators.
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Me: Why are any of us here, really? What’s the point? Is there something bigger?
Cop: No, I meant why are you here, in this bank at two in the morning
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
I have two years left on my looks. Four if I work out.
So 2 years.
The way this woman squealed when getting proposed to is the exact same reaction I had when I found out the restaurant serves 3lb. lobster.
“When I’m dead, I’d like you to buy a $9,000 box and throw it down a hole.”
-Humans
The biggest takeaway from listening to hundreds of podcasts is if you’re rich enough, you can get away with murder.
How to kill a text thread in 6 letters: Hahaha
Nothing more humbling than being at a karaoke birthday party with a bunch of singers.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
My dog always pees against trees when we walk through the neighborhood
I do it one time and now I need bail
I have just one word for beautiful women with questionable morals, poor decision making skills and an insatiable sex drive,
“Hi”.
The strawberry frosted pop tart was resplendent.
That’s right, I learned a new word today. Pop-tart; a thin breakfast pastry filled with jam and cooked in a toaster.
[heaven’s IT department]
Ok, I see why your computer’s crashing. Have you been closing doors again?
God: Yes, why?
Too many open windows
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
My dentist has a tremor. He’s a good dentist, but you just don’t know exactly what’s going to get fixed.
This staff meeting could have been a haiku.
Me at 20: I better stretch before I do a work out so I don’t strain my hammys!
Me at 40: I better stretch before I go to sleep so I don’t strain my neck.
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
Why do I keep finding a lone shoe when I’m out hiking? Did someone just choose to abandon their shoe and hop along the trail?
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My wife’s online shopping downstairs so I’m upstairs logged on to the same site and deleting everything in her cart.
My dad: Too many lamps in a room we are sitting in is wasting electricity
Also my dad: Installs a dozen flood lights to illuminate the outside of the house
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
fun prank: go observe the newborns at the hospital & if someone asks which is yours say “I haven’t decided yet” while sobbing uncontrollably