I don’t feel bad ignoring the baby when she cries. If she really needs something, she should text me.
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Being fluent in Spanish is all fun and games until you’re put in a professional setting and all you know is Spanish del rancho
Me: If moths like light so much why haven’t they all flown into the Sun?
Boss:does anyone have any work related questions?
You hang Up.
“No you hang Up.”
No YOU hang Up.
“No YOU hang Up.”– couple fighting while hanging Pixar movie posters
Please, pdf is my father. Call me pdf (1)
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
You repeat the same mistakes expecting different results. I do this also
We are not the sane
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
Find a way to dress up as “accidentally liking someone’s Facebook picture from 2 years ago” and really scare people this Halloween.
My dad was very upset when our bunnies escaped. It’s his worst fear – hare loss
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
The Bible says homosexuality is wrong. I forget the chapter. It’s somewhere between the talking snake and the virgin birth.
hey teens the only thing jack reacher should be “reach”ing for is a better relationship with jesus christ our lord & savior !!!
I knew Puff Diddy was a bad guy the minute I heard all the bad swear words in his songs
If I could pick a superpower it would be to clone myself so the other me could answer the 4,291,386 questions my 4 year old asks daily
Dating me is like dating a Gordon Ramsay that doesn’t cook.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
😂 amazing answer
“Nutella causes cancer” says one scientist with his mouth covered in chocolate. “Send your jars to me and I will dispose of them.”
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
Girlfriend: I read an article that it’s possible for a woman to carry a goat embryo to full-term
Me: Don’t kid yourself
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Told my mom I hit 1200 Twitter followers. She pointed out how my brother owns a house and I’m wanted by several collection agencies. Oh ma!
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
mom had nothing to worry about
My yoga studio has two rooms so there’s a power yoga class at the same time as prenatal. And today the power yoga teacher didn’t show up so uh shout out to all the guys who joined in pregnancy yoga and did fantastic. welcome to your pelvic floor