Kylie Jenner is having a Handmaids Tale themed birthday party and Justin Bieber wants to fight Tom Cruise and boy howdy is that meteor late
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In 1911: Dracula used to drink virgin girls blood … In 2012: he died of hunger.
I get you, container ship stuck in the Suez.
I can’t fit into most things I used to anymore, either.
[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
*on date*
Me [don’t let her know you’re married]
I have a wif..i hotspot on my phone.
Her: oh that’s cool.
Me: yeah my wife got it for me.
Today I’m offering free root canals. I’ve watched a bunch of YouTube videos and I can do this
I’m that aunt who laughs when my brother is scolding his kids and now we’re all in trouble.
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
All Amazon reviews are like
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: best product ever!
⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️⭐️: so amazing must buy
⭐️: DONT TRUST THE REVIEWS!! THIS PRODUCT KILLED MY FAMILY
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
(in starbucks) “i’ll take 450 lattes”
“thats $2,380”
(card declined) “DAMMIT just one then”
i asked my mom why she was crying and she said because shes choping onions which is sad becuase as a young child she was adopted by onions
When I die, I want them to write that I died of supernatural causes, but offer no explanation.
im the guy responsible for throwing the chicken in the air for fried chicken commercials. i will never reveal my secret method’s
[taking FRIENDS quiz]
7. Which character do you most identify with?
Ross
8. Which is your least favorite character?
Ross
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Him: Im just going to grab a quick beer with Tod after the gym, it shouldn’t take long.
Brain: that seems reasonable, you are not even gonna be home.
Hormones: tell him you hope he lives happily forever after with Tod.
I’m not moody, I’m just on shuffle
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
The Bachelorette would be a lot more entertaining if the girl was a Praying Mantis.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
[Home Depot]
Me: Hi, I’d like to return this toilet plunger, please.
Cashier: I’m sorry, is it defective?
Me: No. It worked great
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
accidentally said “you too” when the waiter told me to enjoy my meal so he sat down with me and we had a very pleasant evening
[end of 1st round of my UFC debut]
Corner man: how you feeling?
Me [out of breath]: horny
Corner man: yeah you gotta stop trying to kiss him
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
[job interview for psychic]
INTERVIEWER: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME: Well played.