[best read with a French accent]
“I am so very sorry sir, without a reservation, there is simply nothing I can do for you.”
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Dogdamnit, autocarrot.
1: Acquire scuba gear. 2: Strap duck decoy to head. 3: Dive in local pond. 4: Enjoy unlimited free bread crumbs.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
After watching HGTV, my husband and I have decided to become dog walkers so we can increase our house hunting budget to 4 million.
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
Every time I cook risotto I feel like Gordon Ramsey is going to walk in and scream at me.
* Wins lottery
* Blows it all on a pack of decent razor blades
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
I just want to meet a man the old fashioned way: While being exchanged for livestock.
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
Every “People Actually Want To Return To The Office” piece sounds like it was written by a lonely office desperate for attention.
surgeon: we’re only allowing family right now
olive garden waitstaff: yeah that’s why we’re here
my immune system told me it’s a lover not a fighter
There are two ice cream trucks on my street right now.
Okay, Feds.
I added someone as a friend 2 years ago but they haven’t responded. They must be really busy.
Kid: “You know in Minecraft when..”
“No.”
WOW! SNOWING EVERYWHE…. it stopped.
OMG IT’S STARTING AGAIN AND… nvrmind.
HERE IT IS AGAIN, WEEE…its gone.– Snow globe, the story.
Me: Hurry up! If mommy is late to work then I get fired then we don’t have money to pay the rent and then we’re homeless.
[Later]
6yo: [sees homeless guy] Looks like that guy was late to work.
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Before cell phones and texting, I used to get pulled over a lot for playing solitaire with a physical deck of cards while I was driving
“What movie?” 🤔
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
[waiter brings plate of seaweed wrapped sushi]
ME-what do I do with this?
W-eat it lol
M-all of it?
W-yes
M-alright..[nervously bites plate]
I’m sexually attracted to the glass sections of a house.
French windows?
No but I’ve snogged patio doors.
Yes I’m still watching, Netflix, and it’s not like you don’t have things to be ashamed of.
Stranger: so what do you do?
Me: I’m in seminary
S: seminary huh? so you can’t get married?
M: nah, I can’t get married bc of my personality