Papa Seal: Son, is your fractured flipper feeling any better?
Baby Seal: Daddy, it really hurts! Can’t you give me some Tylenol for the pain??
Papa Seal: I wish I could, son, but it said “Do not use if seal is broken.”
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[going to the moon]
Co-astronaut: and 3…2…1…take off!
Me: oh no
Co-astronaut: what
Me: I left my coffee on top of the rocket
When you gaze into the abyss, the abyss also gazes into you, wraps a towel around itself and screams oh wait that’s my neighbor haha Hi Pam!
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
“This, too, shall pass,” I thought to myself after the dog swallowed a tube sock.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
I went for a run today. Of course it was a beer run, but I was sweating.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
shakespeare: to sleep, perchance to dream
me: *lies wide awake in bed wondering what “perchance” means*
An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person is typing person: hi
I visited my doctor today.
He told me my sugar was too high.
So I came home & moved it to a lower shelf
You can’t outrun your problems…
“I just called to say I love you.”
-Stevie Wonder not understanding how prank calls work
Me: * tastes dog treats*
Stalker: frickin weirdo
I have this fun drinking game where you take a drink every time you’d like one because you’re an adult and you can make decisions yourself.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m an accountant
Me: oh nice
Date: thanks
Me:
Date:
Me: so how many ants have u counted so far
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
If your name got called on The Price is Right, it’d be fun to scream, jump up and down, and then run full speed out of the studio
PATIENT: I’ve been so stressed out lately. What can I do?
DR DOG (tail wagging like crazy): Studies show that petting dogs relieve stress
I could never be a map maker. Not because I think it’s hard, I just don’t know how tf to spell meditarainian.
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Sometimes I like to call random numbers and if an older man answers I’ll say, “Hi. I know this sounds crazy, but I’m your daughter.”
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
His breath smelled like rotten eggs & bad cheese so draw a lot of those smelly lines by his mouth