One way to find out if you’re old is to fall down in front of a group of people. If they laugh, you’re young, if they panic, you’re old.
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My 5yr old eats chicken wings with the precision of a hitman cleaning his rifle.
Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”
the most audacious part of the trojan horse plan must’ve been trying to keep all the soldiers inside from giggling so much
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[waffle house]
Waitress: how do u like your eggs
Me: hatched and with their families
W: no how do u like them cooked
M: [spits out coffee]
so i told my boyfriend i was having my period and he said “Again?”
you know what, you’re right im going to cancel that monthly subscription
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.
Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, “You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!”
Pretty arrogant of Red Delicious Apples to put “delicious” in their name. Like calm down. You’re still just an apple. You ain’t no prize.
judge: on the count of homicide how do you plead
owl chiropractor: a simple misunderstanding your honor
Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
On TV no men can tie a necktie but all women can and there’s no backstory to explain it
Lingerie.
…or as I like to call it… fancy pants!
sure sex is great but have you ever pulled the pamphlet from a cassette/cd case and realized from the thickkkkkness you just scored the lyrics?
PRO TIP:
Take all those used candy wrappers, put them in a paper towel, squish it into a ball, and then throw it away.That way, your kids won’t know you ate 20 candy bars before any trick or treaters showed up.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
“While you were gathering nuts and playing your silly squirrel games, I studied the blade.”
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
waiting for halloween be like:
It’s been a few days now but I’m still thinking about this