Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
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Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
WIFE: Why do you waste money on useless things?
ME: [scraping the S and H off the side of my new School Bus] Maybe useless to you Sharon
happy mother’s day❤️
My urologist said I have a healthy prostate. I was deeply touched.
Banished to the “quiet room” in church because the toddler shushed the pastor. Our family history of skepticism remains strong.
Part of the fun of buying a new house is exploring what the previous owners left behind. Old pennants, newspapers, grandma, etc.
a bloodbath has got to be the least effective type of bath
Inside Out 2:
The girl enters puberty.
Her emotions get out of control.
She goes Goth.
Sadness murders the other emotions in their sleep
Science is tricky. Keeps you on your toes.
Mineralogy? Study of minerals.
Oceanology? Study of oceans.
Meteorology? NOT ABOUT METEORS.
me logging onto twitter
The easter bunny left a note, it simply said:
Happy easter-fools day, I’ve hidden the deviled eggs around the house and turned the heat way up, you probably have about 25-30 minutes left before shit gets real bad!
Have a blessed day,
EB
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
[Throwing change in a well]
Me: I wish you well.
Well: I already am a well.
[coworker interrupting my story about how my weekend was] first of all McDonald’s doesn’t even have soup
Movie super villains always have wild origins stories like “Fell into radioactive goo” or “Possessed by alien” when a more realistic and gritty one would be “Attended Harvard”
Her: I want to travel the world in the new year
Me: I can see the whole universe in your eyes..
Her: I WANT TO TRAVEL THE WORLD OKAY.
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
My client sent an email that read, “…and then he said why don’t you myofb!”
Yes, I had to google that.
Yes, I will be using that in the future as frequently as possible. Myofb.
New parent: My child is having a hard time with teething. Any advice?
Veteran parent: Take some whiskey, drink a bunch of it.
this is the most amazing image I’ve ever seen
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
I just realized that I forgot to scan the 2 packs of sparkling water at target on Sunday. Apparently this is how my life of crime begins.
A spider just tried to crawl across my hand and now how do you extract a fork from bone without causing more damage?
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food